Did I Miss You? (Re-post)

(All righty then. This is a "re-post." Just a little "warning," this one is long. I would recommend that you print it off; it might be easier to read. May it bless you!)

“But, Mom! I don’t want to miss God!” It was Friday night, a muggy summer evening. I was sitting on my couch in my small apartment, dressed for bed, and had been on the phone for over an hour. My eyes were swollen, my face red and tear-stained from several hours of crying. I listened to my parents who, once again, cautiously and tenderly attempted to re-propose the unthinkable idea of me moving back home.

I had heard a distinct Word from the Lord to move from my home state of Texas with my pastor’s family to the beautiful state of Tennessee. The Lord had miraculously opened so many doors for my transition to run relatively smoothly. Within my brief sojourn, I had held a job in an international ministry, began building a community of relationships spanning from downtown Nashville into the small quaint suburbs just south of the city. I was on a praise team, served as an administrative employee to help run conferences all over the area, looking at the prospect of some modeling and radio; I even lived in a beautiful apartment. However, by the time that everything seemed to be set, ready for me to plunge ahead full-throttle into the beginning of a new life, my health began to fail…and quickly[1].

This phone conversation with my folks was one of the many that had begun to develop by the third month of my Tennessean experience. At the time of this transaction, I had already visited several specialized physicians, run a wide variety of tests in a number of hospitals and medical clinics, resigned my positions of employment and volunteer work, and had been “shut-up” in my apartment for several days, lacking the physical strength to leave for more than an hour at a time. Still, I knew that God had called me to this place for a reason! I knew I was supposed to be here until the Lord called me out! I was not going to give in! I would persevere!

“No! God called me here. I know He did! There’s something for me to do here, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve only been here four months…” We exchanged a few more words, prayed, and hung up the phone. Although I boldly professed my faith to persevere and “never give up” in my attempts to bat down my parents’ caring notions with “spiritual reasoning,” I knew deep down that my parents were speaking wisdom. I knew that, with the rapidity of my health’s decline, it would be only a matter of weeks before I would be barely able to move home without suffering severe trauma to my already fragile physical state. I knew that I would need the care- taking of my family, who were familiar with my past health difficulties, and who could see my imminent relapse. I knew they were right; I knew that I probably did need to move home, and soon.

I buried my face in my hands…I tried to cry, but no tears came, I was just too tired physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was at a crossroads of belief. “Oh Lord. I don’t get it…was I wrong; did I just miss You?”

Have you ever come to a place or situation in your life where you felt, in your gut, that you knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you had heard a word from the Lord; you stepped out in faith, believing His guidance, and, despite all your prayers and supplication, you actions flopped? I think most of us, at one time or another, come to this crossroads of belief, that collision of faith and reason, asking, “Can I even hear from God? Have I just completely lost it?”

Jesus answers our queries by saying, “My sheep hear My voice. And the voice of a stranger, they will not follow.”(Jn. 10:27, 5) I cannot tell you how many times I read that scripture over and over and over when I began to weigh in the decision of staying in Tennessee or moving back home. I knew I had heard from God, and I had followed the path of His leading in blind faith, trusting Him to lead in me in the way everlasting…but the way everlasting took an unexpected turn for the worse. Why did this path turn perilous? Was it because I was disobedient or in sin? Was I not walking in “enough faith” for my way to prosper the way I thought it should?

Before I go any further, I do need to point out that there are times when we do get “off track.” There are times when we harbor an offense, or do or watch something that we know is not “100% right or wrong,” but it is not something, which is pleasing to God or considered a "good witness" of our faith. In addition, and I am going to get in trouble for this one, there are the time that we “forget” to tithe, or do not believe in the Biblical principle. In circumstances such as these, our spiritual ears lose their keenness to hearing the voice of our Shepherd. That is why the Bible says, “Confess your sins one to another,” and, “…first be reconciled with your brother, then bring an offering.” (Jms. 5:16; Matt. 5:24)

It is not for God’s sake that we do this, but for ours! He wants us to hear Him so desperately, but when we start gradually walking away from the “straight and narrow,” we lose our sensitivity to hear His voice. If anything, God’s voice is muddled, and our discernment less clear when we are not right before Him. Therefore, the first course of action is always to come before the throne of grace and ask the Lord, as David did, to search our hearts to see if there be any false way within us. (Ps.139:23-24) If so, we do need to repent so that our relationship with Him will no longer be estranged.

But, what if there isn’t anything “blatantly” wrong? Not that we are ever “perfect,” but what if we have been walking right before God, and He doesn’t correct us when we ask Him? This is the pinnacle of faith, in which I "got stuck.” I cried out to God, threw myself at the Mercy Seat of His Grace, “God if there be anything wrong in my heart, show me and I will confess! I’m ready; let me have it,” and then I braced myself for His chastisement and conviction…but none came. Yes, this was a relief at first, but then I grew puzzled and frustrated. “…um, well…If I’m not ‘off,’ Lord, then…why in the world did You lead me in the way ever-confusing?! This is not what I had in mind when You called me here! I walked out in faith! I trusted You, and now this?!”

Sound familiar? Maybe you stepped out in faith, perhaps you gave an offering as the Lord led you, and then you had to foreclose on your house. Or, you may have ministered to a friend in need in faith that you were sowing seeds of righteousness and blessing him or her in the way that Christ would have done, only to be horrendously betrayed and taken advantage of. “But God! I trusted You! Why have You forsaken me?!” Whether we wish to or not, we have a tendency to place certain expectations on God when we follow Him in faith and act in obedience to His Word. We presume that “all will be well,” and God will reward us for our faithful obedience. True, He will reward us for our obedience; but our reward does not come without a cost.

When God calls us to walk on a road that takes unexpected turns into trials, it isn't always because we are walking in disobedience. Sometimes, trials emerge because we are walking in perfect obedience. Why? The Lord allows us to face adversity with Him in order to draw us into a closer reliance on Him, actually strengthening our faith in His guidance and sharpening our ability to hear His still small voice.

But what about our mistakes? We can be walking in His will, but that does not make us immune from walking without err. Sometimes, we make decisions that are rash, or we take out our frustration on someone else, only to have to go and clean up that mess in addition to the larger problem. I had to apologize several times to my parents when I took out my perplexity on them; you talk about humbling. This even led to additional anxiety, “Oh no. Now I am in sin; now I will miss God for sure! Oh, God help me! Remember that I am but dust…” Then the Lord led me to this verse in Psalms:

“The steps of a man are established by the LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong (stumble), because the LORD is the One who holds his hand.” (Ps. 37: 23-24)

This passage suggests that for those who love the Lord and are making their best efforts to walk in His ways; their steps are established by Him. The Hebrew word for “established” in this passage is Yeqamyâh, which means, “Yahweh accomplishes; makes clear and good; causes to endure; holds, helps, and strengthens.” Also, “delights” (Hebrew: châphêts) is “to be pleased with, to choose, to like someone or something very much.”

In other words, when we do walk out in faith, the very steps we take are steps that God has made clear and good and on a path that He has not only chosen, but with which He is also pleased! Even when the path seems to turn for the worse, God has already ordained the “worse” as good. Isn’t that incredible? We can believe that we hear the Lord even when our acts of faith and obedience do not always reap the kind of results we thought they should. Furthermore, if and when we do fall, make a mistake, “mess up,” or “miss” Him on our walk of faith, we will not stumble because He holds us up with His right hand! Because He is our Shepherd, we never have to fear any evil, for He is with us! Now that is a comforting thought.

This kind of realization has not come easily for me. In fact, even now, I speak it in faith because this path, on which I have walked, quite frankly, has not made much sense to any cognitive reasoning or understanding of faith. To the practical sense, it seems as though I moved to Tennessee just to get sick again and be brought home; sheesh, what kind of a faith is that?! Well, one that believes that God is working all things together for the good of them, who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. No, I really do not know why God called me to Tennessee, although I do have some wonderful memories of my sojourn there. Furthermore, I do not know why He allowed me to have a relapse of illness; but I am learning more about His nature in the midst of my suffering because of it.

Faith is not the substance of things that go our way. It is not evidenced by all of our dreams coming true, or life being full of ease and always making perfect sense. Rather, faith is the substance of things hoped for; a hope that is recognized in the peace shown in an individual’s countenance; it is that inner rest that has this “knowing” that God is good and in control. We do not miss God when we are doing our best to serve Him. We may make mistakes along the way, but we will not “miss” His path for our lives. They are His paths, and He loves His ways that He has set out for us. If He is the One Who holds them and causes them to endure, then our roads to righteousness will never fail, even when we do. God is faithful to keep us on track and hold us up with His mighty right hand. That is what His Word says, and His Word is true and everlasting…His Word will not fail because He will not fail.

Did I “miss” God? Perhaps I made some mistakes along the way. Perhaps, in my attempts to serve Him, I fouled up from time to time. But, did I “miss” Him; let us look at this in the reverse; God never “missed” me. We can trust that, when God is in control, He will make our paths straight. He is faithful to hold us, guide us, and walk us through our lives, especially when they do not make human sense. These are His paths of righteousness that He has designed for us to walk; and with them, He is well pleased, even when we are not. No, the path of righteousness will not always make sense to our expectations; but it will always make sense to His.

[1] The diagnosis for the root cause of my illness is Adrenal Insufficiency, which has taken five years for doctors to finally conclude. However, as are the consequences of such an ailment, if it is not treated properly and immediately when the signs of "adrenal crisis" develop, I will succumb to what we call an "adrenal crash." This means that, in the "crash," I will and have suffer(ed) from a myriad of additional conditions along with adrenal failure, including:

Blood Sugar Abnormalities (associated with the pancreas); Chronic Fatigue (associated with low function of the thyroid); PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome); POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome-associated with the heart); and Gilbert’s Syndrome (dysfunction of the liver).

It is during these "crashes" that I have to treat every affected organ/system in addition to treating the adrenal glands. These crashes are dangerous and take from months to years to "pull out of;" but by the grace of God, I am still here! And I am still making every effort to continually live as incense before my Creator!