Our Eyes are Watching You

(Please read "The Purpose of Psalms," May 9, 2010, for background information)

Our Eyes are Watching You
(ref. 2 Chron. 20:12 ESV)

The dust is stirred, the eyes mist: our eyes are watching You
Throats constrict, emotions rise: our eyes are watching You
Disappointments, pain, the gray areas of life: our eyes are watching You
Joys with sorrows, contentment with dismay: our eyes are watching You

Mundane to excitement, sameness to change: our eyes are watching You
What we thought was true, vain hope it seems: our eyes are watching You
Denial to fury, stricken, we resist: our eyes are watching You

Sirens roar, fires blaze: our eyes are watching You
Anger perishes, surrender claims: our eyes are watching You
Hope against hope, though hearts waver: our eyes are watching You
Standing, believing, if faith proves true: our eyes are watching You

For You, our one constancy amid life's craze: our eyes are watching You

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God." (Job. 19:25-26)

In the Blink of an Eye

I had a job. I was the official “cat-sitter” for my neighbor’s delightful, unnaturally personable, and loving Bombay cat, Felix. Felix dropped into our lives less than a year ago, after being dumped at the neighborhood park, most likely because of his INESCAPABLY loving, attention-demanding, and outgoing personality! Felix was MORE than your typical cat: he was a “dog” –cat, coming to you when you called (with tail waving sky-high above him), playing with you on cue, and walking with you wherever you went; he would even go so far as to pounce upon you from behind, grabbing your leg with all fours and letting you drag him, demanding that you pet or play with him more. He had his toys, his treats, his “bed” to sleep on (i.e. the master bed); but his favorite toy was a “brave” little thumb, on which he could gnaw, if you dared to give him such a liberty. There wasn’t a moving object he did not like, turning even the fiercest cat-haters into Felix-adorers. After only a few weeks, Felix became our street’s designated “mascot.”

Aside from his “parents,” I was one of Felix’s favorites. Every time I walked down the street, he inevitably would come bounding up out of nowhere, meowing with delight, and “asking” me (in his way) to be held, curling up his back as he stood at my feet, expectantly. Of course, I always obliged, and would sweep him up under his belly, carrying him with or without mail in hand, an obstruction he never seemed to mind. He’d purr ever so loudly in sheer contentment, rubbing his face in my hand, on my neck, or even against my cheek. Sometimes, I would prolong my mail “trips” to the end of the block, taking an extra moment to sit with him on the curb or porch, just holding him, letting him rub his face against mine as he pleased, receiving his (albeit, rough) licks on my neck and hands, and wince as he gnawed on my thumb while we both watched the leaves blow through the trees.

For 7 months, Felix and I shared a unique “mail-bond,” so much so that I was later given the delightful “job” of “cat-sitting” while his owners were away. Yes- this cat LOVED people SO much that he had to be “cat-sat” if he was ever left alone! It was a chore that I didn’t mind; more a privilege than a chore, if you ask me! We’d snuggle on the sofa watching Animal Planet; he’d chew on my fingers and wrestle with my shirt sleeves (when my fingers had had enough “play-time”); we’d “groom” each other (i.e. I would comb his hair with my finger tips and he’d “respond” by licking my face and neck –affection I enjoyed “in theory,” but received begrudgingly…have you ever felt the toughness of a cat’s TONGUE?!); finally, we’d nap together, with Felix either curling up beside me, with his head resting atop my leg, or upon my lap, cradled in almost a fetal position, his head against my breast, leaning back against my arm. And every day when I’d come home from playing, watching, or sitting with Felix, I’d giggle a girlish chuckle of glee, and proclaim to Abba, “Thank You for such a WONDERFUL gift!”

*****

Felix died today; hit by a car in an alley sometime during the wee hours of the morning, at the crack of dawn…his limp body later found carelessly tossed in the dumpster (out of which he was promptly removed).*

Why? Why do things like this happen? Why is it that those shimmers of hope during tough times, life’s LITTLE joys, which we so hungrily receive with relief, gasping our gratitude for the precious goodness they exude; why is it that they seem to be so viciously, heartlessly, stripped from us in the blink of an eye? We SCREAM through our anger and our tears, “It’s not FAIR! It’s not RIGHT! It’s not…GOD!”

…and we’d be right…the Bible says that, “all good things come from the Lord,” (ref. 1Tim. 4:4) and that it is, “the enemy, who comes only to steal, to kill, and to destroy…” (Jn. 10:10a). It’s small comfort in the face of the grotesque reality of our situations. “What gives?” We ask. Can’t we have just ONE thing be “alright” in our lives?

You know what I’m talking about…the adage, “When it rains it pours,” rings all too true in life circumstances that we’ve all faced. Perhaps, with you, you’re going through a divorce, but you have this one ice cream shop that has your favorite ice cream and your favorite seat next to the window that faces a beautiful park with giant shade trees, a little respite to which you can escape from your own cruel reality. You drive up to that familiar parking spot, only to discover that the shop has closed, and the park it faced is all dismembered, the trees cut down, the lot under construction for a new shopping center. Or, you just lost your job, but you at least have that one consolation: the joy of sitting in your easy chair at home, watching your favorite sport or sitcom while you relax and drink your coffee or iced tea. You pull up the driveway, looking forward to putting this day behind you, only to find that your home was broken into, your furniture vandalized, and the TV stolen. What gives? Why can’t these LITTLE things be left alone? They’re little, seemingly unimportant in the whole scheme of things. God: can’t You at LEAST leave THESE alone?

Christ didn’t make any excuses for the hardships we face in this world. As a matter of fact, He promised…PROMISED that, in this world, we WOULD have trouble (ref. Jn. 16:33). Sometimes in life, things just happen! Tragedies occur; friends and loved ones, both human and non, die; losses are incurred; griefs abound. Such is the consequence of living in a fallen world. Things just happen as a result of sin and death; it’s just life. Christ didn’t give us the false hope saying we could prevent all these things from happening while we wait for His return. No. What He DID give us is the TRUE hope that EVEN IF the bad and the ugly occur in our lives, He has the last say to it all.

“Take heart! I have overcome the world!” (Jn. 16:33b)

“I Am Your Vindicator, Your Redeemer. I am Your Very Great Reward.”
Job. 19:25 AMP; Gen. 15:1 KJV)

“I am Your Comforter, Keeper.” (Isa. 51:12; Ps. 121:5)

“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb. 13:5)

“I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.” (Rev. 21:4)

Awful events happen; joys of all sizes and calibers may be stripped from us at a moment’s notice. But EVEN SO; EVEN if that ice cream shop shuts down, EVEN if your easy chair has to be thrown away, EVEN if your pet or “animal friend” dies, God promises to BE there to help you THROUGH the loss, to HEAL the hurt, and to restore the time. What a glorious hope!

A hope that promises that, even if Felix died all too soon, and the joys we had were short-lived, the Lord will give me joy in his memory and give me OTHER joys that I may never have experienced had he lived longer. A hope that promises that, even though your traditional respite “sanctuary” is no longer there, God will give you another respite that may be even better, one you’d never have found had you continued to go to the old one. A hope that promises that, even while you try to mend and rebuild what was vandalized; new friendships could be formed as a result of your experience, while you find a BETTER TV with a BETTER sound system, and a more comfy chair than the one you lost (all for a ridiculously low price, to boot!).

God is like that…with God, you get redemption. And redemption, my friend, is sweeter. Redemption says, “I’m not only going to restore the things you’ve lost, I’m going to recompense you for the grief you suffered because of it…” Recompense literally means to “re – compensate.” In other words: restore the loss AND reward/repay for the trouble of it!

“Yet if (the thief) is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house.” (Prov. 6:31)

Sevenfold Redemption comes in ways you couldn’t POSSIBLY imagine! It’s God’s way of rubbing the enemy’s face in his own defeat. Examples of redemption? Look throughout ALL of Scripture! Joseph loses his inheritance and his family. His redemption: he not only gets his family back, but he inherits the wealth of the world! (ref. Gen. 37-50). Ruth loses her husband, her homeland, and her livelihood. Her redemption: she regains another godly and strong husband, becomes mistress to the estate of the wealthiest man in the region, and becomes the mother of kings, including the King of Kings, Jesus Christ! (ref. Ru. 2-4). Job loses everything, from wealth, to children, to health. His redemption: double the wealth, double the children, and double the health and long life! (ref. Job. 1-2; 42:12)

This is God’s promise as His answer and hope for overcoming the world. It means that God has the last laugh, that God is there to comfort while we go through the loss, and He is there to restore to us new joys in sevenfold proportions to make up for it, as well.

I had a job; and Felix was my friend. And though both are gone, and the tears have been shed, I know that God will restore both to me, in new ways, ways that will restore to me that little girlish chuckle of glee that proclaims once again, “Thank You for such a WONDERFUL Gift!” even if that chuckle is accompanied with a lone tear of thoughtful remembrance.

*Felix was killed the morning of April 9, 2010, a Friday, between 6:30 and 7:30AM. He was buried in his owners’ backyard on Sunday morning, April 11, 2010.

My Story (Revised)

(I have just made a discovery that those, who were interested in "My Story," rightfully went to the said blog entry. However, the posted "My Story" from Dec. 2006 is outdated, now 4 yrs. old and my illness journey has had many turns since then. Thus, a new "My Story" is in order, and I will make the adjustments as necessary, considering that a) we know a lot more about my illness now, and b) a lot more has happened since the beginning of this blog. So - here is "My Story," again, which is very similar to the first, but updated and revised where needed. Enjoy!)

For the past 8 years, I have endured a traumatic cycle of "systems" failures. In the spring of 2002, I suffered a near fatal bout with food poisoning, E. Coli, that went undiagnosed, then misdiagnosed, and the delay of treatment and the mistreatment resulted in digestive system failure. In the process of recovery from this predicament, I entered into another long season of illness in 2004-2005, with the failure of my adrenal glands and the malfunctioning of my endocrine system as a whole. Following a miraculous rebound from this somewhat frightening experience, I entered into yet another process of perseverance in health crisis; the summer of 2006, both my immune and endocrine systems, once again, fell into rapid decline, with the thyroid and adrenal glands being the main causes of concern. My recovery from this "crash" (as we began to call them), was slower and in stages; and when I finally began to reach a functional level of "normalcy" by summer 2008, I was blind-sided by yet another relapse (or "crash"), which lasted almost an entire year - this last one being the most severe symptomatically, most life-threatening, and has been the most difficult to overcome.***

What is this strange ailment???? It's called "Adrenal Insufficiency," (see update below) more specifically "cortisol resistance," in which my body neither absorbs, nor properly uses, the hormone cortisol. For those with some medical background, it's akin to Type 2 diabetes, except, instead of the pancreas and insulin being the targets of malfunction, this involves the adrenal glands and cortisone. It took 7 and a half yrs. of my illness to finally "nail down" an official diagnosis, especially since there were many complications that occurred as a result, in addition to the fact that this condition mimics a wide array of autoimmune illnesses and diseases.

Unfortunately, with the nature of my illnesses being somewhat unique (and rare), the discovery of the diagnosis was extremely difficult for medical professionals. Thus, throughout these seasons of sickness, I have endured unbearable abdominal and bodily pain, unrelenting nausea and disorienting dizziness, oppressive fatigue and muscle weakness, all under the scrutinizing eye of disgruntled, baffled, and sometimes judgmental physicians (with the exception of 2 or 3 God-sends), who could offer little relief or answers except, on occasion, their somewhat degrading opinions and humiliating advice.

The prolonging hours of suffering thrust me into pressing-in to discover the truth of the Word of God. I knew and loved the Lord, but never in the capacity that I could have possibly imagined until I faced these trials of faith. His Word is Truth. If the Bible says God is good, then God is good! If His Word says that He will never leave me nor forsake me, then He is here with me in my suffering. If He says that He will walk me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, then that is exactly what He is going to do. I have come to the understanding that even if He doesn't answer my prayers the way I thought He would or should, it doesn't mean that He hasn't. In fact, God is always speaking, always listening, always persevering with us. We just have to come to the place where we can trust that He is Who He says He is, regardless of where we are or what we're going through. God is still the same; He doesn't change. When all else falls away, He is our Stay.

***This last crash was the most painful and critical, lasting from Aug. 1, 2008 to June 18, 2009, in which I was in varying stages of grave incapacitation, including quarantine (for safety). June 18th was when I left my wheelchair and began the hard road to rebuilding my body in every area, retraining it to literally do what bodies do naturally (digestion, compensation of weather changes, adjustment to different "energies" of different social exposures, among others). This rebuilding has been slow and arduous, and by the Fall of 2009, I had plateaued. On Dec. 3, 2009 - I received prayer for my illness, and have sense made leaps and bounds in my progress of rehabilitation. Now, though still on medication, I am making higher/quicker climbs out of the "pit," not quite back to normal, but able to do what others might say is impossible to do with my medical history and status. Who knows? Maybe God is making a "wonder" out of me after all - all for His glory, Amen?

"It is my pleasure to tell you about the miraculous signs and wonders that the Most High God has performed for me. " (Dan. 4:2)

(New update posted Jan. 2011: Spring 2010 - we discovered that the Adrenal Insufficiency was being caused by Lyme Disease, contracted when I was a child that directly attacked the adrenal glands. This immediately resulted in different minor, semi-major health issues that progressed in severity throughout my preteen-teen years, yet went discarded and overlooked as anything serious until the food poisoning incident of 2002, in which the adrenal crises began to occur. Having found the root of the ailment, I have begun treatment that has dramatically improved my energy and strength, which I have not experienced in years. Again, I am still on medication for pain and endocrine support, but with the root discovered, a mostly normal life is on the horizon!)